Do you ever have days like these?


That pass by so slowly. And you almost feel like you're in slow motion. Actually, I'm going to not be a pussy and just say that you are in slow motion. And a pre-warning. None of this is going to be genius. I just felt like typing. Maybe because of the fascination I get every time a letter comes up. Because I do it without thinking about it, typing I mean. It all comes from my memory. Each key I have pressed on previous occasions. Amazing to think how many times I have pressed the key "I" all capitalized like that, too. Just to be fancy. Or politically and grammatically correct. Either or. If things were my way, I would never choose to capitalize the letter "I" ever again. Who decided it should be capitalized? A little narcissistic aren’t we now? Who ever said that people are important? If people are so important, why are there so many of us? Every person is their own individual "I"... if that makes sense. It does though. Everyone is themselves, to themselves. Maybe if people stopped trying to succeed in such a pushy manor, and everybody's nature was to purely look out for others instead of themselves, things would be a lot more silent. Because I don't know about you guys, but all this noise is really getting to me. If you don't know what I mean by noise, that’s ok, I'm crazy. But not too crazy. If I were too crazy I wouldn't be able to explain it. When I refer to noise I'm referring to... well... shit. Maybe I can't explain it. Noise is chaos- more or less. The noise you hear inside your head every morning. The noise of violence. The noise of pain. Pain does make noise. And not even really pain from yourself. But having to hear about everybody else's noise. Hearing it everyday, seeing it every moment. The only reason we think about our own pain is because we see other people's pain. Constant struggles. If there was no hurt in the world, we wouldn't think about it. Even inside of ourselves. But there is. Everywhere. And sometimes you can shut your eyes so that you can't see the pain. But you cannot shut your ears off. The noise will always be there, always. But you know they say if you are lacking a sense, like sight, or touch, or smell or taste, then the powers of the senses that you DO have, greaten. So if you are closing your eyes because you don't want to see the pain, that’s all fine and dandy short-term. But eventually you will hear the noise. Louder, and louder, and louder. Until eventually the noise destroys you. Not everybody realizes this; only some discover it before it's too late. But if they are smart, they will see that you have to walk with your eyes open, and your ears ready to listen, and just bear it. Bare the noise, bare the chaos you see. It's hard though, I'm no pro. I think it's safe to say my eyes are currently closed. I know I have to open them, I know that. But having them shut is kind of...nice. It gives me less to think about, less categories to make. Not to mention those pesky sub-categories. And this is all one big metaphor and I'm an idiot. I really don't know where this stuff comes from sometimes. Maybe eventually these blogs will stop being rambles and start to sound a little more... refined. Maybe someday I can be a writer. I thought about it today, and just like that the answer came to me. Just "pop", like that, with the sound and everything. After years and years of bouncing from fantasy to fantasy, I think this is really it. I would love to be a writer someday. Touch people, get my imagination on paper. It sounds hard though, I mean, lots of people want to touch people. Lots of people want to get their imagination on paper. But maybe, just maybe, I will be one of those lucky one-in-a-million types. In more ways than one. The one-in-a-million friend, the one-in-a-million love, the one-in-a-million mom, the one-in-a-million person who gets to fulfill their dream. Actually maybe just anything with the world 'million' in it. Millionaire is sounding pretty good right now. I don't think I would mind being completely rich and all alone. I mean they say: "What's the point if you have no one to share it with"... but really... I see lots of point to being rich and alone. I mean, you have everything you want, and nobody to bother you about it. Nobody's noises to hear. And it's not really closing your eyes, you still see the pain, you are just too damn rich to have to worry about it! Maybe I'll let one or two visits a year. Myles can come over I s'pose. Nothing really bothersome about Myles. Myles and Cam actually, coming over for tea and thousand-dollar-crumpets. That would be nice. They would get along just dandy. The three of us could just sit around crossing our legs and talking all proper about the end of the world or alphaghetti or something. Trisha can come, too. We will watch some really vague and hard-to-understand movies. Eat lots of junk food, and have cappuccino-something-mc-fancies. And then of course Elise could come over from time to time... actually... to be completely honest here... for some reason when I'm getting my mental image of all of this...I am sort of picturing her living in my basement lol. Well folks, I think I just figured out what I want in life, and all (conveniently enough for you) on an online journal. Huh, who woulda thunk? Is thunk even a word?


Find out next time on.............


*ERIKA'S LIFE*




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